yes, this day was "special."

spent most of the day alone, except for class and dinner with some friends, and a meeting. it was the lonesomest bday i ever spent. people here don't know me well but why didn't i gather everyone together? to me it's weird for me to gather other people to celebrate my birthday.

well, on to the good stuff first - the things i'm grateful for. my class is 1 on 1, just my teacher and i. when i walked in she had written happy bday in chinese w/ some designs on the board. she gave me a card and a book in chinese - my first chinese book given to me in china! and it's in chinese! haha...tang dynasty poetry with comic illustrations. pretty interesting. it's 'cause i told her my goal is to learn chinese well enough to write tang poetry.

the team knows i'm not eating sweets so the cake was a glass dish full of fruit with candles stuck onto the honeydew melon. it was the healthiest, most nutritious bday cake ever in the history of mankind in all of existence forever eternally. watermelon, green grapes, cantaloupe, honeydew. mmmmm. another team member gave me a card with a red envelope. so nice :)

what'd i do today?
wanted to wake up early. couldn't b/c stayed up late tryin to help a friend burn a DVD for a slideshow. REALLY NOW! it shouldn't be that %$#@! hard. codecs and file conversions and watermarks and taking hours to convert/burn. so i woke up late. went to try to return somethin at the supermarket, got spoken to very rudely, then i yelled back, and was rude in return. then left. tried to cool off. customer service here is NOTHING like the states. planned to go to bally's for a workout after, but as i went up on the elevator i had a feeling i wouldn't be able to. i was right. they were cleaning but still open. the lady told me uselessly that i could take a bath but couldn't use the machines. i told her i was clean and left disappointedly. that was my morning, and that was when i started missing home very badly.

the whole day i was depressed and full of tears missing home. listening to hosanna made me think of SB. the nice thing was eating a nice and slow lunch at a western restaurant and staring out the window and writing in my journal:

"living is hard; being an adult is harder. kids and adults both go through the same thing: things don't go according to plan, disappointments, unmet expectations, didn't get what i wanted, ridiculously frustrating. but kids can cry it out, scream, throw a tantrum, roll around on the floor a couple of times, then be done with it. give them a popsicle and they're fine. however, no matter how many popsicles you give them, it's not as easy for adults. and actually, we can't express our frustration/rage the same way. social norms and all that. if an adult cries or something happens there isn't always someone by their side.

this is one diff btwn kids and adults...and today, i miss being a kid."

parents called and dad sang one line "happy bday to you" and mom sang the next line, alternating. melt my heart. i miss them so much and had a good convo. one of the rare times that i was honest w/ my feelings with them, telling them how much i wanted to be in the states at least for today. never been away from friends for my bday before. (lots of Fs in that last sentence.) i guess that's kinda "special"

so this bday was very diff from all my other bdays. the saddest, disappointingest, loneliest, and REALEST: i realized i needed to be honest w/ myself and w/ my feelings. "you shouldn't feel that" had always been in my life and it doesn't help. emotional constipation. and i realized that for this day, i honestly don't need to accomplish what i had planned to make it "special." i found out honestly what i wanted - to be w/ my friends. after the supermarket i went to play video games so i could shoot or hit something to relieve aggression...but when i got there i didn't want to. it felt so empty. (and expensive). so i went to eat lunch and sit and stare and pray and write. ultimately, i spent this day alone but i spent it with him, being honest with him bout what i was feelin and missing home a LOT and telling him.

so this day was special, but extremely not-in-the-way-i-thought. i miss you guys a lot.

grateful,
v